


i believe in love (but they call me a non-believer)

by valentinehoax



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Cults, Blasphemy, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Murder, Past Child Abuse, Religious Fanaticism, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-15
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:41:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28089432
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valentinehoax/pseuds/valentinehoax
Summary: Twenty three years ago the God had decided to walk amongst humans, and allowed his followers to build a compound around him. It is to protect the God's purity, Johnny was told in his teachings. Everything Johnny has been fed about the God is that in every way, He is perfect.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 23
Kudos: 47





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Mind the tags, they may change. Let me know if anything needs changing/adding :]

The compound Johnny is brought into is large, with concrete wall fencing and barbed wire. They're in the countryside in some random place in Asia. His location is not information Johnny is privy to, not that he wants it.

There's no need for him to know anything, really. He's perfectly at ease with the way the leaders blindfolded him for most of the journey; it's not as if he'll ever need to find a way back. This is exactly what he's wanted all this time, what he’s been aiming to achieve. The blindfold is slipped off Johnny, and he blinks rapidly to adjust to the light, eagerly scanning around himself. 

"Excited?" One of the leaders ask him. He's a man with cool looks and an icy glare that's easily broken when he smiles, flashing perfect teeth.

Johnny nods in affirmation.

"We'll see if the God will want to see you," the leader says eagerly before re-thinking his statement, if his pause is anything to go by. "Maybe God will be tired though."

Johnny understands the God tires easily in his physical form. Twenty three years ago the God had decided to walk amongst humans, and allowed his followers to build a compound around him. It is to protect the God's purity, Johnny was told in his teachings.

At first Johnny believed this referred to sexual purity. That's what all believers thought at one point—but apparently the God means purity from the physical world’s pollution, rather than lust. Because sin does not exist in the God, and sin does not exist in the compound. Therefore the God is allowed to do as He pleases.

Johnny is pure, and that's why he's allowed in. He underwent a lengthy detox procedure to get this far, and while painful, it was worth it just to be in the same area as the God. It's exciting to watch the compound grow closer and closer, the inviting concrete walls opening up in a warm hug. He presses his cheek against the car window. He's too afraid to ask the leader to lower the window for him, and he doesn't want to make any mistakes before he's even set foot in Paradise.

The car slows and the leader leans out the car window. When whoever is manning the gates sees the leader, the gates to Paradise swing open. The leader drives through, Johnny strumming in anticipation in his car seat.

There's no one around. Johnny has been briefed on what will take place, so nothing surprises him when the car halts, the doors open, and Johnny’s pulled out and thrown to the ground. It should be painful, especially since he’s been sitting for a long time, but he doesn’t mind it when he’s brought to his knees and made to kneel on the grass still damp from the morning frost.

“Suh Youngho,” someone says to him. A woman stands in front of him, looking down at him coldly. Johnny shivers at the feeling of being examined through his thin t-shirt and loose trousers. The woman is wearing clothing similar to the leader who brought Johnny here; loose robes, all the same shade of dark grey.

“That is me,” Johnny says.

“Preferred name is Johnny,” the woman continues.

“Yes.”

“You have been accepted into the Sanctuary established by the God. You have purified of your earthly sin and you will be greeting the God directly.”

The last phrase the woman says startles him. He’d been told up until this point the God will not want to meet him, since the God takes a while to warm up to newcomers. Johnny nods anyway. At the end of the day, all that matters is the God’s satisfaction.

“This way.” The woman gestures for Johnny to rise. He obeys, following after the woman obediently. He does his best not to look around himself—there’s nothing to see either, since the Sanctuary seems mostly empty save for a few houses. He’d been told there weren’t many occupants. The only people who stay are those who wait on the God, and all supplies needed are brought in for them.

Johnny’s excited. He wants to desperately meet the God he’s been told so much about since he joined this Church roughly five years ago. He’s good and kind, they told him. He’s accepting and earnest, but also prone to tantrums that are so cute and so endearing. Everything Johnny has been fed about the God is that in every way, He is perfect.

The woman leads him to the largest house in the Sanctuary, the only one more than one storey high, and rivalling the mansions of lords. Johnny’s eyes skim over the bars on the windows and the padlock on the front door, instead choosing to focus on the pastel paint and the vines crawling up the side of the house.

“This is the God’s residence,” the woman says as she unlocks the front door’s padlock, then uses another key to unlock the front door. She pushes it open, striding into the mansion and up the stairs. Johnny scrambles to follow her, barely able to keep pace. The woman weaves through a series of hallways as if she’s trying to distract him, then stops in front of a large oak door.

Johnny expects her to knock, but she barrels right in. She does stop a few feet in, Johnny making sure to stand behind her. Johnny can’t help but let his eyes dart over the darkened interior. He can make out a bed with a lump on it, a chair and desk, a couch...

“Your Grace,” the woman says, sweeping into a bow. Johnny mimics, going even lower. The lump on the bed stirs, and the occupant sits up, rubbing an eye.

“Joohyun,” the man complains with his hair rumpled, “you interrupted my sleep.”

“I apologise, Your Grace,” the woman—Joohyun?—says, not sounding particularly sincere.

The man’s attention is not on him, but Johnny feels breathless at the sight of a beauty. It’s difficult for him to focus on one part of his face, he’s so eager to see it all at once; bright eyes, sharp jawline, the shape of his lips and nose, messy black hair and a collarbone peaking through his over-sized t-shirt.

Then it strikes him: Johnny is drooling over his God. He ducks his head, feeling his skin flush as he hopes his God will be merciful.

“Joohyun,” his God says sweetly, “leave me and the new one alone.”

The woman hesitates, eyes narrowing for a brief second. The God’s expression freezes for a moment, daring the Joohyun to object. She doesn’t, of course, bowing again and leaving, closing the door on them and plunging them in darkness.

Johnny hears the ruffling of the bedsheets, and then silence. He feels his eyes adjust, the evening sun fighting its way through the cracks in the curtains. His God leans forward, the rays warming his features and making him glow. His God looks at him blankly, studying him.

“Johnny,” his God says quietly, “approach me.”

Johnny can’t believe his God will call him by name—his God chooses to be in _his_ presence, and wants him to come forward. He can feel how weak his legs are as he obeys, unsure of how far to go. His God clearly knows this, as he giggles and reaches out to grab Johnny by the wrist. His voice is by far the most beautiful sound in existence, and his hand—Johnny doesn’t want to shower, ever.

“Johnny,” his God says again, and Johnny thanks his parents for giving him a name, for giving him life. “May I touch you?”

Johnny doesn’t mention his God is already in contact with him. He also doesn’t mention that his God can wish for anything and Johnny will give it. He simply nods.

Seemingly satisfied, his God tugs Johnny down before letting go of his wrist, so he kneels by his God’s bed and stares up at him in awe as his God gazes at him. The sunlight worships every plane and angle of his God’s face, his eyelashes catching the light and sparkling as his soft expression soaks in Johnny’s infatuation. Then his God places his hand on Johnny’s face, and Johnny curls his toes in an effort not to pass out.

He holds his breath in case his breath is impure. He doesn’t want to blink, eyes tearing up at the strain. His God’s lips ghost up into a smile.

“You can blink,” he assures Johnny, “and breathe, I won’t mind.”

Johnny lets his lungs suck in air and he blinks as quick as he can. His God removes his hand from his face and Johnny panics. The room temperature drops when his God shifts, but a glance from his God and Johnny calms himself.

His God pushes aside the bedsheets and his legs swing over the edge of the bed. Johnny moves back, but his God shakes his head and gestures for Johnny to move forward. Johnny shifts toward his God carefully, until his God sighs and grabs Johnny’s head, placing his head between his knees. Johnny stares wide-eyed at his God, allowing himself to be man-handled and seats himself between his God’s legs.

“Speak to me,” his God says.

Johnny gulps.

“Anything you want,” his God urges, voice falling softer by the second. “I want to hear you talk.”

“Yes, Your Grace,” Johnny forces the words out. His voice sounds so grating in contrast to his God’s, but that is the plight of mortals who dare look at the immortals. His God’s fingers ghost over Johnny’s face, and Johnny’s eyes flutter closed at the touch. He feels a finger trace his lips, then start forcing its way inside.

He tenses at the suddenness, then relaxes his jaw to let his God, _the_ God, feel the inside of his mouth. Even under his tongue, a sensation Johnny finds uncomfortable, but he’ll swear until the end of time his God tastes sweet. Just as sudden as he enters, the finger is removed again and Johnny is left empty.

“Open your eyes,” his God orders, voice stern. Scared, Johnny’s eyes open wide, staring directly ahead of him, at his God’s waist.

His God doesn’t wear a displeased expression, but given they’ve just met and Johnny has no proper context, it’s hard to tell. His God licks his lips as he examines Johnny’s face.

“Look at my face.” Johnny is compelled to comply, his eyes darting up and soaking in his features. He feels himself blush.

“Do you find me attractive?” His God asks.

“I do,” Johnny agrees.

His God frowns, and Johnny feels panic rising as he analyses everything he’s done—is it too obvious to be comfortable for his God? Is Johnny someone who is too _sinful_ to be around Him?

His God’s hands move to cup Johnny’s jaw, fingers playing his hair. His God tilts his head, eyes moving to the ceiling, and Johnny stares at his God’s neck. He’d been told of how breathtaking his God is, and how his God can entrance any person, but truthfully Johnny had only half-believed the words of the leaders.

“Can I tell you something,” his God says, looking back down at Johnny.

“Yes,” Johnny replies immediately.

His God’s hands are on Johnny’s shoulders, firmly gripping them as his legs widen. He tugs Johnny forwards, closer, and Johnny obeys—almost too eagerly. His God moves Johnny so Johnny’s cheek is against his God’s inner thigh, his God running his hands through Johnny’s hair.

“You can’t tell anyone else this,” his God says.

“Yes, Your Grace.”

“And you won’t speak of this in front of the others.”

“Yes, Your Grace.”

“My—this body’s name is Taeyong.” What looks like a blush adorns his God’s face, and he seems almost...nervous? To think his God becomes nervous or embarrassed makes Johnny’s heart throb. It feels almost too human, but Johnny doesn’t mind. Of course he doesn’t, even his God must eat while in a mortal body.

“Sir Taeyong…?” Johnny says carefully. His God’s hands tighten in his hair, and he winces at the pain.

“Just Taeyong,” his God all but demands.

“Taeyong,” Johnny repeats quietly. His God relaxes.

“Again.”

“Taeyong.”

His God seems moved by this, if the glistening of his eyes is anything to go by. If this was a human, Johnny may think his God was lonely or somehow deprived. It is strange that his God would be locked up in an isolated mansion, with leaders who seem reluctant to let the outside world in. The process Johnny took to get here—proving his loyalty in tests that _weren’t_ centred around his God was strange too. But Johnny is not a fool, and only a fool would question the Church.

His God (Taeyong?) pauses in his movement, and Johnny can faintly hear footsteps that are rapidly approaching. The door opens, and Joohyun is there, looking disapprovingly at their current position.

Taeyong blinks innocently at her, demeanour subtly changing into something more helpless. Johnny watches it in fascination, knowing full well Joohyun can see the worship in his expression and not minding it.

“I want him to sleep in my bed tonight,” Taeyong—his God—says to Joohyun.

“As you desire, Your Grace.” Joohyun eyes Johnny, who isn’t even bothering to look at Joohyun, only his God.

“He should eat something.” Taeyong releases Johnny, pushing him away and watching Johnny fall backwards. “Youngho, Joohyun will get you something to eat and wash you. Then you’ll return here for the night.”

“Yes, Your Grace.” Johnny hears how dream-like he is. He stands and bows low to his God, then exits the room with Joohyun.


	2. Chapter 2

Johnny is given a bowl of lukewarm soup and three slices of bread as his evening meal. It’s not nearly enough for someone of his stature, but he accepts it gratefully regardless. He’s taken to the washroom, where he scrubs himself clean meticulously, and dresses in the clothes he’s given by Joohyun to wear for the night. It’s a loose shirt and trousers, a little worn, the trouser legs too short for his legs so his ankles stick out. Again, he doesn’t mind.

He’s led back to his God’s room, and Johnny can feel himself shake with anxiety. He doesn’t know what his God wants—nothing malicious, because his God could  _ never _ be like that, but He is also a mysterious entity. Johnny can only hope whatever is asked of him is within his power.

His God is still sitting on his bed when Johnny returns, but this time there is a candle on the bedside table, dimly lighting the room. By now it’s the only source of light. His God has also evidently washed, if his damp hair is anything to go by, and he’s leaning against the bed headboard, gaze fixed on the door. When Johnny enters, shutting the door behind him, his God smiles with beauty that is blinding in Johnny's direction.

“Johnny,” his God says softly, patting a space next to him. Johnny swallows, moving to the other side of the bed. He glances at his God, who nods and smiles reassuringly, so Johnny sits on the edge cautiously. His God sighs through his nose.

“No, sit here,” his God says impatiently, slapping the bed next to him in annoyance. The bed is wide enough that Johnny has to clamber up next to him, and he leaves a space in between the two. His God is still not satisfied, apparently, as he reaches out with a hand and tugs on Johnny’s sleeve.

“Come closer.” His God sounds petulant. Johnny bites his lip and obeys. Now their arms are brushing up against each other, and his God lights up with a smile again.

“Say my name,” his God orders.

“Taeyong, Your Grace,” Johnny whispers, like his name is a forbidden fruit he dare not eat.

His God is looking up at Johnny. The position of the candle behind Taeyong means his face is in darkness, but the light forms a halo. Johnny doesn’t want to look at Taeyong, in case he is thrown into hysteria over his ethereal features.

“Are you scared of me?” Taeyong asks. Johnny doesn’t know how to respond to this. Taeyong snuggles closer, sighing loudly. “I hope not,” he mumbles, “I was hoping we could be friends.”

Friends? That is not a statement he expects to hear from his God. Actually, this is directly counter to what he’s been taught—the God is someone who needs followers, not companions. Taeyong feels Johnny stiffen against him, and this makes his God squeeze his arm gently.

“I was told to be your disciple,” Johnny says, not daring to raise his voice above a whisper.

“Is that what you were taught?” Taeyong barely speaks louder than a murmur.

“Yes.”

“But I’m God.” An unnamed expression scatters across Taeyong’s face, but it’s gone as quickly as it arrived. “Doesn’t that mean you do as I say, not anyone else?”

Johnny sharply intakes air. “Of course,” he agrees blindly.

“Then you’ll be my friend,” Taeyong says. “I know I shouldn’t order it, but it seems I have no other choice.” Taeyong rests his head against Johnny’s arm, his cheek squishing. Johnny can feel his heart threaten to hammer through his ribs.

“Have you had friends before coming here?” Taeyong offers a distraction with his question.

“I have,” Johnny says.

“Tell me about them.”

There’s a voice in the back of Johnny’s mind that whispers Taeyong shouldn’t have to ask. He’s the God, he’s meant to be all-knowing and all-powerful. Surely this kind of thing is easy for a being of his power to find out—that cruel voice reignites the doubts of this religion Johnny’s always harboured.

But whatever his doubts, Johnny’s faith is far more powerful than anything else. He’d been warned of a weakened God, who was unable to ascend to Heaven just yet. According to the scriptures, this weakened state is the reason why he remains amongst humans.

Johnny ignores the contradictions in his teachings.

“My oldest friend is someone called Jaehyun,” he says.

“A man?”

“Yes. Our parents were childhood friends. It was actually his mother that first suggested I join a volunteer group, which eventually lead me to you. He didn’t want to join, though. He said he’s not religious.”

“And you are?”

“That’s why I’m here.” Johnny can hear the cloying love in his voice. “My belief in you is greater than anything else I’ve ever felt.”

Taeyong lifts his head slightly, looking up at him. Johnny, in a moment of bravery, looks at Taeyong. His God’s expression is blank. “Your belief in me.”

“Yes,” Johnny confirms.

Taeyong bites his lip, looking away. He looks to be processing information. Johnny doesn’t know what it could be; surely his presence in the compound is proof enough of his loyalty, of what he has done to make it here? But evidently not to his God, who sighs in what sounds like disappointment.

“Let’s go to sleep,” his God says. Johnny goes to leave the bed, intending to sleep on the floor. Taeyong grabs his arm and with a frown, asks, “what are you doing?”

“I’m going to sleep on the floor, Your Grace,” Johnny explains. He does his best to not sound condescending, but he thinks it should be obvious where his place is. It's on the floor—it would be arrogant of him to think he'll share the bed with  _ his God.  _

“I want you to sleep in the bed with me,” Taeyong says. Without waiting, Taeyong snuggles down into his blankets, watching Johnny expectantly. “Blow out the candle.”

Johnny obeys, leaning over his God to do so and being careful not to touch him. He licks the tips of his fingers and presses them over the wick just to be sure, before moving to the side of the bed opposite Taeyong.

He hears blankets shifting, then a hand wraps around Johnny’s forearm and pulls him towards Taeyong. Johnny lies on his back, staring up at the ceiling as his God huffs in near-annoyance. Taeyong rests his head on Johnny’s shoulder, arms around Johnny’s waist, and one leg flung over Johnny’s.

He listens to his God’s breath even out, before eventually drifting off.

* * *

Joohyun is the one who wakes them in the morning. Johnny hasn’t been told what her position here is, but judging by her ease in which she enters the room, he thinks she must do this regularly. She doesn’t seem surprised to find Johnny there, who sits up as soon as she enters. When she pulls open the curtains, Taeyong lets out a whine and flings an arm over his eyes.

“It’s time to get up, Your Grace,” Joohyun says. “Today is the day of worship.”

She means it’s Sunday, which means Johnny came in on a Saturday. He files that information away, deciding to count back the days of his stay. Why he feels the need to do this, he doesn’t know, but when he feels Taeyong’s hand on his back, the urge to measure time becomes important. He knows he's spent 90 days being transported here, and he knows he's had two birthdays since the day he was introduced as a full member of the Religion. In two years, surely not much has changed about the world—this is a thought he should not be having, because it means he's doubting the Religion. Johnny drags himself away from the thoughts. 

The shirt Johnny is wearing is translucent, the scars on Johnny’s back barely visible. Taeyong traces over one carefully, Joohyun watching them both. When Taeyong pulls away and sits up as well, swinging his legs over the bed, Johnny mimics him.

He hasn’t been told what the day of worship is like in the compound. Today, he finds out Taeyong—the God, he reminds himself sharply—is to walk amongst the others. He hasn’t seen anyone else aside from Joohyun and only glimpses of other workers in the distance. He eats with his God, Joohyun watching them both. When Johnny asks Joohyun if she’s eaten, she replies with “it’s my day of fasting.”

When she says that, Taeyong looks down at his plate almost guiltily. Johnny wonders why he isn’t expected to fast, when he had to in order to arrive here to be with his God. Joohyun seems to pick on his silent question, and just as silently dismisses it.

Taeyong, his God, looks pale in the sunlight. Johnny watches his God breathe in deeply as they step outside, following a stone path to the other houses (which were more like cabins). As the trio move away from the main house, Taeyong’s footsteps seem to lighten. Once, when Johnny dares to look up, he catches Joohyun watching his God with something like sadness. That can’t be, Johnny thinks, ducking his head under when Joohyun glances his way.

The first person they come across is a young man. Taeyong waves at him, and the man waves excitedly from the chair he’d been waiting from on his porch.

“God,” he says brightly.

“Mark,” Taeyong replies in a measured tone. He seems to have put a wall up, as if pretending to be someone else, Johnny notes. The cruel voice in the back of his head whispers to him that no  _ real  _ God should have to put on a pretence like this. But his human form is imperfect, Johnny scolds himself. No matter his beauty, it’s still  _ mortal. _

“This is the new one?” Mark asks, adding on a quick, “Your Grace” when Joohyun raises an eyebrow at him.

“That’s right,” his God says.

New what? Johnny wants to ask. He has no idea what his role here is. Judging by that small exchange as they move on, he guesses his God is going to assign him something.

In the very next cabin is the leader who brought Johnny here.

“Yuta,” Taeyong says. Unlike the measured tone his God used with Mark, Johnny detects a crack. (But that can’t be, Johnny simply isn’t familiar with Taeyong—it can’t be  _ fear, _ it’s probably respect.)

An older man emerges from inside the cabin. He’s fairly well-built with greying hair, and vaguely similar to how Yuta looks. He nods at his God.

“Has the new one settled in?”

“Yes, Bishop.” Taeyong suddenly sounds a lot colder than how he treats Johnny. “Johnny is doing fine.”

The Bishop’s eyes slide to Johnny. Yuta's cheery demeanour seems to falter—the leader's usual bright smile dims and his eyes are cast toward Taeyong, as if able to send silent signals to the God in warning.

Johnny keeps his own gaze directed at his feet. He understands the Bishop's position, even if he's never met the Bishop personally. The Bishop is the one who found the God and built the compound; The Bishop, therefore, is the reason for Johnny's existence. And like any good disciple, Johnny is forever thankful.

"Youngho." The use of his birth name brings a stutter to his heart. Johnny lifts his head slightly.

"Yes, sir?" Johnny's voice comes out raspy and thin.

"Look after the God. He deserves happiness inside the compound."

Huh? Johnny nods in agreement, murmuring out an "of course, sir" despite his confusion. Taeyong walks forward briskly, and Johnny can't blame him.

_ Inside the compound.  _ It implies the God will never leave. Of course he's never been told the God  _ wants  _ to leave, but Johnny had assumed the God will one day want to venture out to see how humans treat his mortal form.

Taeyong greets a flurry of other people. There's a couple of women called Sooyoung and Seulgi, who Johnny suspect are in a relationship (which is super cute, in Johnny's opinion), and a group of young men who boldly announce they share the same birth year. The others aren't around, the house's standing empty.

As they head to the main house, Taeyong's walking with a bounce in his stride, Johnny asks himself what his purpose is.

He loves the God. He doesn't flinch from that truth. Not even the cruel voice that doubts him can refute that fact—Johnny, for as long as he lives, wants to serve his God in any way he can. 

But he's becoming aware of the difference between him and the others who stay here. The others are all on the slender side, with bodies Johnny thinks are not meant for combat. They are lithe and beautiful, with faces and voices that are like the God's.

Johnny is built for heavy combat, in stark contrast to most other people. The place he was recruited in is proof enough of this difference—sometimes he sees his own knuckles and is amazed they aren't scarred from all the fights he's been in.

A sick thought emerges from his confusion as Taeyong excuses himself to bathe, leaving Johnny sitting in the dining room uselessly as Joohyun accompanies Taeyong.

(Is he meant to guard Taeyong—is he to act as the God's jailor?)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has violence, murder, and referenced child abuse in it. skip until the first section break and stop at the third section break if you're uncomfortable—or don't read this chapter, the next one won't have anything too graphic in it (hopefully) :D

Johnny has a nightmare again.

He’s tied to a white picket fence, arms out-stretched. The hot sun is beating down on his bare skin, his flesh already red from sunburn.

The man is holding a multi-tailed flail, the shards of metal embedded in it glinting. He’s wearing a black mask that sucks in light. With his free hand, he takes it off and reveals that it is Johnny’s uncle. The uncle lifts the flail, saying the one word Johnny  _ can’t stand _ ; moments before contact is made, the flail dissolves and his uncle is now in a bathtub full of water, Johnny holding him down with his adult arms.

He ignores the way his uncle is scratching at his arms and the gargled screams of his uncle, watching in fascination as his uncle slowly loses power, his arms going limp and his skin turning different shades under the water. Still he continues to hold him down, just to be sure. Johnny feels the wounds on his back open up again, and his blood trickles down into the water.

His uncle is dead.  _ Dead dead dead _ and yet that foul word his uncle used to spit at him still rings in his ears. It haunts him, chasing him down every street he’s slept on and every meal he’s stolen.

Now he’s standing in an alleyway, holding another man down. There’s blood on his knuckles, he doesn’t know if it’s his or the man’s. He doesn’t remember who this man is, just another faceless victim in a long list of bodies. The man said the word Johnny hates; that’s the only justification Johnny can give. Soon, he’ll forget he was even in this city, already moving on.

“Johnny?” A voice says his old name, and it makes him turn and bare his teeth and then he’s lunging at Jaehyun-

One of the church leaders says he’ll be forgiven if he repents and meets the God. Johnny, so desperate for redemption in the chapel that is this man’s bedroom, will do anything. He gets down on his knees.

Now Taeyong is standing in front of him. The God looks at him coldly, as if knowing Johnny used his mouth to satisfy another man’s lust. The God also knows  _ why  _ Johnny hates that word, and all variations of it. He knows what Johnny is afraid of, and he knows Johnny breaks the law.

“On your hands and knees.”

Johnny obeys; of course he does, he’s only eleven in his mind, what else is he meant to do? He gets on his hands and knees, his ugly, horrid scarred flesh on his back on full display.

Taeyong sits on him like he’s furniture. Better seen and never heard. Better to hide behind loose fabric than show how he looks. Better to give everything to his God in the hopes his sin of murdering his uncle can be undone, because all his other sins are unforgivable and irreversible.

* * *

He wakes himself with a gasp. He sits upright, forgetting Taeyong had fallen asleep on him, and Johnny is clawing around in the dark, seeking some kind of comfort. He finds it in the way he twists his hands in the blankets, trying to steady his breathing so his heart doesn’t jump out through his mouth.

“Johnny?” Taeyong speaks softly, the silence of the night muffling his words. Johnny blinks, realising his actions woke his God.

“I’m sorry, Your Grace,” Johnny says. His voice sounds broken to his own ears, ringing with defeat.

“It’s fine,” Taeyong sounds impossibly gentle. Johnny feels a hand run through his hair. “It was only a nightmare. You’re safe here with me.”

Johnny doesn’t think so. Taeyong knows what his sins are, and as soon as Johnny’s own mortal form fails him, he’ll be met with the face of demons rather than angels. He can already feel lava being poured down his throat, despite the chilly air in the room.

When Taeyong asks him to lie down again, Johnny complies. Of course he does; he listens to Taeyong drift off into sleep, unable to join his God in slumber.

He doesn't know why he still has nightmares. It has been over a decade—he knows he should be over it, just like how Jaehyun has forgiven him for trying to kill him. Just like how his father has forgiven him for killing his brother. Just like how the church has forgiven him for running away one time. Johnny is not the one affected by this,  _ he's  _ not the one who has suffered a great loss.

And yet he is still tormented. It's pathetic, really.

He's so caught up in his own thoughts he doesn't realise the sun is up. Taeyong wakes before Joohyun arrives.

"Good morning," Taeyong murmurs. "Did you go back to sleep?"

"I didn't." Johnny feels Taeyong stroke his hair again. Afraid he'll stop, Johnny doesn't move.

"Take it easy today," is all Taeyong says before getting out of bed.

When Joohyun comes, Taeyong and Johnny are both fully dressed. The three of them eat breakfast, Joohyun leading the conversation as per usual, and then tells the pair of them they'll be studying.

_ Studying?  _ Johnny is clueless as to what that means. He can't imagine there's anything Taeyong wouldn't know. As it turns out, it's history books.They head to the library, a small room with shelves groaning under the weight of the books stuffed on their shelves. Taeyong navigates himself to a pair of desks, sitting at one that has a book already open halfway through.

His God is reading about the crusades, a subject which Taeyong complains intensely about as he settles at his desk.

Seemingly in a bid to buy time, Taeyong looks at Johnny, who's seated next to him. Johnny isn’t reading anything, content to give Taeyong his attention, whether it’s just looking or entertaining his God. Taeyong folds his arms over the book, resting his head on his arms, still looking at Johnny.

“Is the nightmare a common occurrence?” Taeyong asks softly.

“No,” Johnny lies.

“I don’t believe you.”

“I’m telling you the truth. I wouldn’t lie,” Johnny insists. 

Taeyong just looks worried. Johnny doesn’t know if it’s even possible to convince his God that he’s telling the truth, especially when he’s most definitely  _ not _ doing that. If his God chose to use whatever cosmic powers he had at his disposal, then surely the truth will be pried out of Johnny’s head.

* * *

The days pass by in a blur. Johnny wakes up, sometimes after a nightmare and sometimes not, he joins Taeyong on his daily tasks, and then he exercises. No one’s said it yet, but Johnny isn’t as stupid as people think. He knows he’s there as muscle, and it’s made clear when Joohyun takes him to the compound’s exercise yard every evening.

The routines established lull Johnny into what feels secure. Other than what he went through to get into the compound, there’s been very little stability in his life—save for that time he lived with his mother, but that doesn’t count when Johnny purposefully tried to cause chaos.

The days turn into weeks, and then the routine is shattered. Johnny doesn’t expect it, and neither does Joohyun, although the woman tries to hide the shock.

* * *

Taeyong is bleeding.  _ God is bleeding. _ There are two ugly stripes down his perfect back, blood leaking out and staining his trousers. Taeyong is crying, a fist in his mouth to muffle the sobs. He’s lying on the bed, face down, sobbing openly.

_ God is bleeding. _ Johnny feels a strange icy calm fall over him, despite the burning rage deep in his gut. Joohyun is tending to the wounds with practiced movements. Johnny doesn’t understand why Joohyun knows what to do, until he remembers the whippings that were inflicted on him in order to  _ detox _ him. But the God is surely without sin, right?

_ God is bleeding. _

“Who did this?” Johnny asks with a steely calm about him.

Joohyun doesn’t react to Johnny, continuing with her ministrations. Johnny repeats the question.

“The Bishop. I needed cleansing for impure thoughts.” It’s Taeyong who speaks, voice thin with pain. “Don’t be mad, Johnny. I’m sorry.”

“I cannot obey that, Your Grace.”

Taeyong jerks upwards, propping himself up on his elbows, head snapping around to stare at Johnny with wide eyes. Even like this, pale and sweating, muscles tense with pain, Johnny thinks his God is the most beautiful man he’s ever seen.

Whatever Taeyong sees in Johnny’s expression is enough to stun the God into silence. His jaw hangs open, unused to seeing Johnny as blank as he is. Johnny stands with his back to the window, his silhouette visible against the evening sun. Johnny’s jaw is tense, arms by his side and hands balled into fists; When Johnny looks into Taeyong’s eyes, the God is scared.

Taeyong is scared of Johnny. He realises in that moment he barely knows this man—Johnny Suh is a stranger, a stranger who uses the name Youngho from time to time, a stranger who was brought into the compound by strange orders.

“Your Grace.” The words barely sound human, strangled out from Johnny’s throat. “Does the Bishop take away from your happiness?”

Taeyong doesn’t understand the question. Does the Bishop take away his happiness? He doesn't know anything outside of his life inside this compound—Johnny is asking for an answer that Taeyong can't give.

“He does,” Joohyun answers for Taeyong, causing the God’s head to snap in Joohyun’s direction. Joohyun stands in front of the bedside table, preparing bandages for Taeyong. “Youngho, the Bishop is infringing on the God’s happiness.”

Johnny nods. When he smiles, Taeyong sees nothing kind in it.

* * *

The Bishop is in the house where Johnny first met him. Johnny enters unannounced, finding the front door unlocked. Yuta is there, and he rises from where he sits when Johnny enters. The Bishop doesn’t move, only looking mildly surprised to see Johnny.

“What brings you here?” The Bishop asks. “Youngho. I don’t remember asking for you.”

“Sir,” Johnny says. “When you said to look after the God, you meant it?"

"Yes." The Bishop smiles, lacking affection. Johnny is reminded of his uncle in this moment; the muscle and the frame of the Bishop, right up to the graying hair on his temples. Johnny doesn't know if he can win against the Bishop, but he thinks he has to try, and hope Yuta doesn't attack him from behind.

Johnny slams a fist into the Bishop's jaw. The Bishop slumps in his seat, eyes wide open as if shocked. The Bishop moves his mouth as if to speak, only for him to spit out blood. The force of Johnny's punch made the Bishop bite his own tongue, hard enough to impede on the Bishop's ability to answer.

Not wanting to give him time to recover, Johnny jabs at the Bishop's eyes, driving his fingers downwards and digging the tips into the soft flesh. When he hears the Bishop Yelp, Johnny then grabs him by the neck, squeezing. He feels cartilage give way. Johnny's almost certain he's broken something in the Bishop, but continues squeezing until he sees the Bishop turn blue.

Strangely enough, the Bishop doesn't fight back as much as Johnny expects. Johnny thinks it's because he caught the Bishop by surprise; the Bishop only claws at Johnny for a moment before falling still, not letting out anything louder than a whisper.

There's still noises, but it's not from the Bishop. Johnny glances at the source, finding Yuta chanting to himself. When Johnny lets the Bishop go finally, the words register.

" _ Please don't kill me, I didn't do anything. _ " Like a broken record, Yuta stands in the corner with his hands clasped together and eyes closed.

"I won't," Johnny says simply. He then hauls the Bishop's body out, dumps him on the land outside the house, and slams his feet into the Bishop's lifeless form until he's satisfied.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter contains...sexual talk and perversion. nothing explicit, and it's not smut, but just a heads up. also idk if i need to mention anything else, lmk if i do :]

Johnny’s hands and feet are caked in blood. At first his shoes squelch, until the blood is either pushed out with his steps or it dries around his skin. He moves his hands every so often, absently peeling some off from time to time. 

All of this is achingly familiar. He’d thought he left this kind of life behind when his mother first told him about a volunteer group to help the vulnerable. But, Johnny reasons with himself as he plods along the path, this time he’s done it for his God, not for himself.

No one sees him return to the main house. Yuta never emerged from the inside of the house, either, so Johnny assumes the corpse of the Bishop will be a gift for the others when the sun rises next.

When Johnny steps into the main house through the back door, Joohyun is waiting. She looks him up and down once. Surprisingly, she does so without judgement—but Johnny considers this and realises she was the one who told him where to go, so maybe Joohyun also wanted the Bishop dead. 

She helps clean him. She has him take a bath, scrub off all the blood, while she burns his clothing and cleans the flakes of blood he left behind. Johnny lets this happen, and accepts the holy water Joohyun has him drink and soak his hands in. 

“His Grace wants to see you,” Joohyun tells him, patting his shoulder comfortingly. Johnny nods and heads off to see him.

As soon as he steps foot in the God’s bedroom, he falls to his knees and presses his forehead against the floor, bowing to him. His God is in his bed, sitting up, based on the sound he makes as he shifts to see Johnny better.

“Did you kill the Bishop?” Taeyong asks softly.

“I did, Your Grace.”

Silence. Johnny holds his breath until he feels faint, then holds it for a little while longer.

“Joohyun said so,” Taeyong says. Johnny has nothing to say to that. He can hear his own heart pounding in his chest, He counts how many beats pass until Taeyong next speaks.

He reaches the count of thirteen when Taeyong speaks again. “Tell me why you did it.”

“To protect you, Your Grace.” Johnny speaks to the floor. That sickening love which floods every word he says is back—Johnny can’t deny it further. He loves his God, in whatever way he knows how. Enough to kill for him, enough to give over everything, and enough that he’s willing to pretend like he was never sexually involved with men, ever. Johnny  _ will _ conform to whatever his God needs of him.

“Because of the whipping?” Taeyong asks.

“Yes, Your Grace.”

“That was the first time he’d done that,” Taeyong muses. “Normally it’s a slap.”

Johnny feels a flash of rage overcome him. It’s an anger without direction; the man it should be targeted at is dead. The anger mutates into hatred, and Yuta’s face enters his mind’s eye.

“I don’t know how to feel about what you did,” Taeyong continues, seemingly oblivious to Johnny’s tumultuous nature. “The Bishop was like my father. The closest thing I had to one, anyway.”

This is when Johnny dares to look up. He moves slowly, lifting his head from his prostrate position. When he sees his God’s face, he can see the tears in Taeyong’s eyes in the dim light. Before he knows it, he’s sitting up on his feet, wanting to look Taeyong in the face properly.

Unexpectedly, Johnny wants to see more. The monster in him that itches behind his carefully crafted mask wants more, and Johnny cages this monster back up with a roaring self-hatred. It is true that Johnny is a sinner, but he wants to believe he’s never  _ enjoyed _ another person’s pain. Despite that, there had to be a reason for why his hands only knew rest around another’s throat; the human and beast in him wars with each other in an endless conflict. 

This apparently plays out on his face, because Taeyong looks sadly at him.

His God misinterprets the war that rages on Johnny’s expression. This much is obvious when Taeyong says, “I’m not afraid of you.”

Johnny will never hurt Taeyong. Tonight is a night of many revelations, and this is one of them. Hurting the God will only mean Johnny will punish himself tenfold. He knows that he’s a flawed man—both inherently and by choice—but he is, at his core, a man who understands not to trifle with forces beyond his control.

“I won’t hurt you,” Johnny says honestly.

“I know,” Taeyong says. He still looks sad. “Johnny. Let’s go to sleep.”

Johnny joins Taeyong in his bed. Taeyong falls asleep on Johnny, mindful of the freshly bandaged wounds on his back.

* * *

Johnny remembers that one quote he’d heard before. He doesn’t know it in full. Of course Jaehyun would—all Johnny’s friends were smart, and Jaehyun is the smartest of them all—but Johnny never really  _ wants _ to learn.

God is dead, Johnny muses. He lies awake in an empty bed, Taeyong long since having left. Old memories wash over Johnny, both welcome and demonic. He lets them. Johnny is a man who fights flesh, not ghosts.

_ “How shall we comfort ourselves, murderers of all murderers?” _ Jaehyun’s voice has always been melodic. Johnny once harboured a crush towards Jaehyun, until Johnny had figured out everyone else was most likely straight.

_ “What was holiest and mightiest of them all has bled to death beneath our knives,”  _ or something like that. What Johnny recalls is lost in a fog.  _ “Who will wipe this blood off us?” _ In a literal sense, Johnny has only had himself to wipe blood off—a long trail of stained towels and discarded shirts, a squeamish mother and friends who pretended to half a shit about him, and a useless father who ignored any plight his son went through.

Loathing the memories that still spring up, Johnny decides to finally clamber out of bed to greet his God. He finds Taeyong eating his lunch. Johnny refuses to eat food, instead claiming he feels full watching his God eat. Taeyong, with food stuffed in his cheek, frowns and insists.

“I don’t eat for a day after I kill,” Johnny says a tad too brightly. Taeyong pales when Johnny says that, then shrugs to dismiss it. Despite an apparent acceptance of Johnny’s actions, Taeyong struggles to look in Johnny’s direction. This bothers Johnny, but no more than usual. Plenty of people resent him for what he’s done.

When they’re alone, sitting opposite each other in well-worn armchairs beside a fireplace in the mansion, Taeyong looks miserable. He’s curled up in his seat, one side lit up by the flames, the other cloaked in shadow. It’s a posture Johnny knows from experience is painful, with the skin stretched on his back just a night after the whipping. Johnny is leaning forward, elbows on his knees and arms dangling, watching his God intently.

“Have you killed before?” Taeyong asks abruptly.

Johnny doesn’t bat an eye. “I have.”

“Tell me who you killed first,” Taeyong says. His voice edges on the verge of sounding demanding. Still, Johnny hesitates. This isn’t information Johnny is so willing to part with, especially since he fears Taeyong will no longer wish to associate with him.

“Won’t you tell me? I’m asking.” Taeyong probably means to look fierce, but when he glares at Johnny, he imagines his pale skin bruised and smeared with blood from Johnny’s hands. Repulsed by the thought but also wanting to continue to think about it, he diverts his gaze into the crackling fire.

“Why do you want to know?” Johnny asks with a thick voice.

There’s a beat of silence. Then Taeyong says finally, “because I think your life has been completely different to mine.”

Johnny’s feet taps restlessly, unsure of what his God means.  _ Of course _ their lives have been different. Johnny cannot compare to  _ God. _

“I’ve spent my whole life in this compound,” Taeyong says softly, “do you want to know why I was whipped?”

“You had impure thoughts,” Johnny remembers from the night before. If Johnny should look at Taeyong, he’d see his God studying him in a rendition of how Johnny looks at  _ him _ . But Johnny doesn’t—and Taeyong has time to control his expression and his voice before he next speaks.

“I wanted to leave this place and see the world,” Taeyong says. He watches Johnny blink, and then Johnny glances quickly at his God.

“The Bishop was going to keep me here,” Taeyong continues. “For power, I think. I’m not sure. This is all I know, and I’ve been told I’m a  _ God _ since the day I turned twelve. It’s been over a decade, I think I’m going insane.” Taeyong is all but whispering now, braver with the Bishop dead. “Johnny. Please save me.”

Johnny is not a man who is good with his words. Or anyone else’s, for that matter. What does he do—what  _ should _ he do? But there is no question, not really. If Taeyong, the God, commands it, then Johnny will deliver.

“What do you mean, save?”

“I want to leave the compound and see all the things you’ve seen.”

At that, Johnny snorts. Taeyong half-smiles at the sound.

“You don’t want that,” Johnny says. “If I’m going to show you the outside world, I’ll show you the best parts.”

“Isn’t life here the best?” Taeyong asks. Johnny can tell this is a genuine question, but from anyone else he’d take it as sarcasm. “This compound gives me everything I want. It’s called paradise.”

Johnny bites his lip, nibbling in thought. He stands up, a singular stride taking him to Taeyong. Taeyong blinks up at him with widened eyes, and then blinks again when Johnny sits at his feet, legs crossed. Johnny stares up at his God with a love so palpable Taeyong can’t help but be drawn in.

“You believe you’re human,” Johnny says quietly. He watches Taeyong, who nods. Johnny reaches up to curl a hand around Taeyong’s forearm. Taeyong doesn’t move from his curled up position, nor does he move away. Not for the first time, Johnny can’t help but admire Taeyong’s slender form, a body which knows no work and hands which have never laboured.

“I am human,” Taeyong says in a murmur. “I’m no God.”

“You are God,” Johnny replies. “To me, you’re  _ the _ God.” He pauses, looking away for a moment, then returns to Taeyong. His eyes search for confirmation, desperately seeking out a sign that  _ Taeyong _ is the deluded one. “Even if you aren’t truly God, even if I’ve joined this place with no guarantee for redemption, I will still live and die for your word.”

A confession of love without saying the word. Taeyong’s countenance is wracked with indecision. It’s blatantly obvious Johnny does not consider Taeyong to be human, but also knows Taeyong doesn’t believe he is any sort of God. If Taeyong is truthful, he’d admit to sometimes even falling for the belief as well.

It doesn’t matter, Taeyong realises as he reaches out to stroke Johnny’s cheek. Johnny closes his eyes at the touch, moving closer to make it easier. The back of Taeyong’s fingers ghost over Johnny’s features. Johnny is willing to do anything; this, Taeyong now understands. Johnny will never hurt him, if Johnny tells the truth—Johnny is, in the simplest of words, a fanatic.

It doesn’t matter, because Taeyong has been given knowledge. Taeyong is not a fool, and never was; the moment the Bishop introduced strangers such as Joohyun and Yuta to him, he’d given Taeyong a new perspective. The moment the Bishop gave Taeyong education on a place as far away as Europe, As diverse as Africa, As outlandish as Oceania and the Americas—the Bishop inadvertently loosened the strings tying Taeyong up.

It doesn’t matter, in the end. The Bishop is dead. Taeyong is going to use Johnny. The God will free Himself.

* * *

Yuta shows no sign of grief when Taeyong sees him a week later. If anything his feet are lighter, and he refuses to put a gravestone on his father’s body, who is buried in his garden. Taeyong is completely understanding,knowing full well the plight the Bishop inflicted on Yuta. Johnny is similarly understanding, if only because he cannot imagine having a good relationship with his father.

“His body is for the vegetables,” Yuta tells them brightly. For some reason, Yuta is in their bedroom. A lot seems to happen in this room, Johnny thinks, but he assumes it’s to be expected when God has chosen this as his residency.

Yuta doesn’t say anything about how Johnny is not wearing clothes save for a thin singlet and boxers. He also doesn’t say anything about Taeyong lying on Johnny, refusing to untangle himself even when Yuta announces his presence. Johnny knows how it looks. A love more sinful than most, two bodies of the same sex pressed together, but Johnny will swear they had not lain in lust, but only exhaustion.

In any case, it’s not possible for the God to sin, and Johnny knows this well. Yuta seems to as well, if his nod to Johnny when Taeyong isn’t looking is anything to go by.

Yuta exits as suddenly as he had entered. Joohyun is yet to arrive; so Taeyong clings to Johnny and to sleep, eyes fluttering as he lingers in the space between sleep and wakefulness.

Taeyong's head is turned so his breath is on Johnny's neck. Johnny doesn't mind, until Taeyong sighs loudly, wriggling closer to Johnny. It's suffocatingly hot, and Johnny can't help but feel sweat soaking into the sheets. He doesn't want to move, because he'll miss Taeyong's presence.

"We should bring Yuta with us," Taeyong murmurs.

"What?" Johnny says, a little too loudly. Taeyong slaps his chest with a pout.

"When we escape," Taeyong says, burying his face in the crook of Johnny's neck. Johnny is not a stranger to flesh, but he is a stranger to intimacy. It'd be easy for either one to kill the other. Taeyong can slip a knife between his discs, or in the base of his skull to his brain. Johnny can just as easily twist Taeyong's head, or render him paralysed from the waist down by aiming for the small of his back with a blade.

Johnny is perverse. He knows he is. Such thoughts aren't normal, surely. When he returned to a domestic life, to live with his mother and next door to Jaehyun, he mentioned these things off-handedly. The first time he did, his mother had dropped a plate in shock. The sound of the china shattering was in time to Johnny's realisation that death is not something all have seen.

And he knows it in sex, too. He and Jaehyun had once discussed the act, and that is how Johnny discovered not every man’s hands itch at the thought of wrapping around a slender throat, an  _ obsessive  _ desire to choke. He is not a stranger to lust; if he is being honest, he'd say it's his favourite sin. A night with a stranger, but none of them (except for one particular incident) ever attempted anything that Johnny felt threatened by. But Johnny has, he's thought about fucking someone while they take in their last breath.

He hasn't. He's not a monster. He's a killer, but he won't indulge himself like this. He won't he won't he won't he  _ can't- _

"What are you thinking about?" Taeyong's voice is like soft silk to Johnny's coarse sandpaper. Johnny forcibly relaxes his tense muscles.

"Nothing," he says.

"Don't lie," Taeyong scolds. "Be honest."

Johnny swallows. He can't argue against his God for long. "Your Grace," Johnny says with all the reverence he can muster, "may I ask you something?"

"Of course," Taeyong says. There's an eagerness that rings true in his voice, like a child wanting to bargain for candy.

"Have you ever fell into lust?" Johnny would never use that wording on anyone else, but for Taeyong, he feels a need to equip himself with euphemisms.

Taeyong is drawing the exposed skin on Johnny's collarbone with one perfectly shaped finger. His brow is furrowed. Johnny doesn't know if it's confusion or disgust.

"Youngho," Taeyong says. He's using Johnny's real name, a name Johnny wishes he could kill.

"Yes, Your Grace?" If his God wants to call him Youngho, then that's fine, Johnny decides. Taeyong can choose whatever term of address he wants. Everything Taeyong says is gospel.

"Why are you asking me this?" Taeyong's gaze is steady, but Johnny senses a lack of knowledge. This scares him.

"You wanted to know what I was thinking of," Johnny says cautiously. "I was thinking lustful things, Taeyong."

At this, Taeyong flushes red. He ducks his head down, moving off Johnny and pressing his face into the mattress. Johnny then understands his senses are correct. There is a lack of knowledge, one Johnny doesn't know the extent of.

Is Taeyong's embarrassment the product of innocence or shame? Johnny has no objection to either—to each their own desire and their own pace—but if the extent of Taeyong’s sheltering is to keep him naive, Johnny can predict a multitude of problems.

"Taeyong," Johnny says softly. He places a hand on Taeyong's thigh, unwilling to touch the still unhealed wounds of the whiplashes. "Why are you hiding yourself?"

Taeyong's legs kick outwards, and then Taeyong lets out a frustrated groan. Johnny waits patiently.

"I don't know what that is," Taeyong says finally, apparently conquering the rush of emotion.

"What  _ what  _ is?"

"I know what lust is," Taeyong says hastily. "Or at least, what the Bishop told me. A craving of the flesh, a carnal desire. A misuse of a human's reproductive quality."

Johnny is more likely to describe it as a hunger, but he supposes the Bishop wasn't entirely wrong. Not always a misuse of reproduction though, Johnny wants to say. That only counts to men like Johnny, who have strayed and will never return. 

"But," Taeyong continues, "I don't know what these things involve."

Johnny's brain promptly malfunctions. Strangely enough, it's not because of lust, as he expected this topic to do to him, but because he can't imagine not knowing something he considers basic.

"Do you mean the physical side of it?" Johnny asks, trying to broach the subject carefully.

Taeyong is starfished face down. He nods.

"There's nothing with that," Johnny says easily. "We all start somewhere."

Taeyong is still silent, then he sighs. He picks himself up off the mattress, smiling sheepishly at Johnny. He's still blushing, but it is more pink than a vicious red like before.

"Thank you," Taeyong says. Johnny blinks, propping himself up on one arm.

"For what?"

"For not..." Taeyong tugs down the shirt he slept in, fiddling with the hem. He sits back on his knees, looking down. "For not thinking it's weird to not know these things. Because of what the books said, I thought  _ everybody  _ knew."

It's at this that Johnny feels his lip curl upwards in disgust. An uncontrolled reaction, making Taeyong look hurt. Johnny covers his face with his free hand. The monster which lurks beneath his skin bites at his cage, and Johnny takes a moment to yet again slay it.

"I'm not mad at you," Johnny mumbles. He senses Taeyong relax again. "But whatever was expected of you is...not normal," he explains. "We're all told it, or we look it up, in one way or another. None of us  _ know _ this kind of thing from birth. So don't be ashamed, okay?" Johnny hopes this appeases Taeyong, but now his God simply looks baffled.

"Look it up?" Taeyong looks at the ceiling like Heaven will give him an answer. Apparently angels don't answer to God in His mortal form, because Taeyong is still baffled.

"On the internet?" Johnny offers.

"What's the internet?"

They stare at each other. And Johnny swallows his panic. He knows full well there is no internet connection here. He'd been told by the leaders how they need to disconnect from the human world in case of accidental pollutants, and it's for that reason Johnny didn't bother to bring his phone.

But now that he thinks of it, he hasn't seen a phone. There's only one car that comes in and out, and that's the one which brought Johnny to the compound. There's electricity, which is what the lighting is from and there are various appliances, but it dawns on Johnny that as far as Taeyong is concerned, there is no way to see into the outside world.

His God has been completely isolated. Johnny feels sick.

* * *

Johnny promises to tell Taeyong about it later. As soon as he makes this promise, Joohyun arrives. Unlike all the other times, she eyes them both suspiciously. Taeyong takes one look at her and raises the pitch of his voice, pouting.

"Joohyun," he whines. He turns around, his loose shirt sliding off a shoulder, much like how Johnny first met Taeyong. The curiosity which Taeyong had shown Johnny felt adult, whilst this...Johnny suddenly feels like he’s witnessing a child in an adult’s body. So much for lust, Johnny thinks.

"Johnny was saying some things to me," Taeyong whines even louder. Joohyun's eyebrows twitch, Johnny observes.

"Like what, Your Grace?" Joohyun is flinging open the curtains. It's cloudy outside, likely going to rain a bit.

"Like how you're prettier than me," Taeyong continues pouting.

"I never said that," Johnny says to defend himself. "His Grace is of course the most beautiful person I've ever seen, bar none."

Joohyun rolls his eyes, and Taeyong studiously doesn't look at Johnny. "I don't believe you," Taeyong says.

"Why not?" Johnny says, matching his God's pout.

"Because," Taeyong pouts even harder. Johnny also matches this. They stare at each other, before Taeyong bursts into giggles and jumps toward Johnny, Johnny catching him against his chest.

It’s like this that Johnny wonders what the actual relationship between Taeyong and Joohyun is. As he joins them for lunch, he wonders if he’ll have to kill Joohyun in order to escape, or if she will let them pass.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really enjoy the dynamic btwn johnny and taeyong, altho its fucked lol


	5. Chapter 5

They’re in Mark’s house. Taeyong wanted to visit Mark, and Johnny accompanied him without a second thought.

Johnny doesn’t trust Mark. The man—a boy, but one pretending to be a man—smiles in a way that Johnny can’t bring himself to put any faith in. Especially when Mark’s eyes light up around Taeyong, or how Taeyong reciprocates the emotion with just as much eagerness.

But as much as he wishes he could say it’s because Mark is a bad person, Johnny knows it’s not. He knows Mark is probably just as naive as Taeyong, if not more; Mark had told Johnny with pride how Mark has never left the compound after his fifth birthday; this is a pride Taeyong has never showcased. This makes Johnny feel uncomfortable, a feeling that’s been growing in size lately.

The Bishop who built this compound should be glad Johnny gave him a quick death.

As Johnny watches Mark and Taeyong interact, he analyses his mistrust of Mark. It’s jealousy, is what he concludes. Mark has a bubbling innocence and a closeness to his God Johnny can’t compete with. Mark communicates with the God with so much ease, it makes Johnny wonder if there  _ isn’t _ a hidden motive. The only thing that soothes Johnny’s mind is the knowledge that only he knows his God calls himself Taeyong.

“Hey, Johnny,” Mark says, breaking away from Taeyong for a moment. Johnny jerks to reality, having drifted off in thought in the corner of the room. “Do you speak English?”

“No,” Johnny lies.

“Oh.” Mark seems disappointed. “Can I ask you something else?”

“Sure,” Johnny says. He only agrees because Taeyong is watching them. His God seems happy when Johnny tries to get to know the others in the compound.

“Did you kill the Bishop?”

“Yes,” Johnny says. Mark looks vaguely ill at the idea.

“But,” Mark then hesitates. Obviously, he’s going to preach something at Johnny. Johnny just doesn’t know  _ what _ it will be.

“Murder...is a sin. It’s even listed in the Ten Commandments,” Mark says quietly. “And he was a  _ bishop _ , a member of the Church.”

Johnny wishes he could refute this. But once again Johnny searches for words and comes up short, unable to frame a counter in any coherent way. Mark takes his silence as guilt, and presses on.

“This compound is meant to be Paradise, and you were purified, right? Shouldn’t you undergo something again? Since you’re now a sinner, like the outside is.”

“Mark,” Taeyong says quietly. “It’s all right. I wanted him to do it.”

Johnny wonders if that’s a lie. Taeyong believes he’s human, but now he plays the part of a god. Then Johnny realises he’s questioning Taeyong, so he suppresses the blooming questions.

“I’ve already killed a lot,” Johnny tells Mark. “One more won’t sway the scales.”

Mark looks appropriately aghast at the confession, turning to Taeyong like Johnny is going to kill them at any moment. Taeyong is calm, almost regal even; his perfect features is serenity personified, and he meets Mark’s shocked expression with the slightest hint of amusement.

This gives Mark pause, and he looks between the two. Johnny, who is heavily muscled, with a closed-off demeanour and a confessed murderer. Taeyong, a man who is treated as a god inside an isolated compound, who is more breath-taking than all the stars in the sky. Johnny can see on Mark’s expression the dawning of realisation.

“Were you brought here to kill the Bishop?” Mark asks Johnny.

Johnny blinks in confusion. “What do you mean? I wasn’t told anything when I arrived.”

“I was the one who requested his presence,” Taeyong says. “The Bishop asked me to pick, so I chose him.”

This is news to Johnny. He’d been under the impression he’d gotten lucky. It’s just like Johnny, to have no  _ true  _ luck. He’s a puppet—but so long as it’s Taeyong who pulls the strings, he’ll allow it to continue.

“I see.” Mark eyes Johnny suspiciously, a look Johnny meets with steady eyes. Mark then changes the subject to something else, and Johnny drifts off again.

* * *

“You really want to escape?”

The question makes Taeyong shift around from where he lies on top of Johnny. His God gives a hum of confirmation.

“Taeyong,” Johnny whispers his name in reverence. “Do you know how to escape?”

Taeyong sighs. “I don’t,” he says, voice slightly muffled. His face is buried in the crook of Johnny’s neck, arms around Johnny to cage him there, as if Johnny will ever try to leave him.

“Do you know where the car keys are kept?”

“No.”

“All right then,” Johnny says. “I’ll find out.”

“I’ve never been in a car before.”

Another shocking thing to learn, but Johnny is becoming used to it. He hasn’t known his God for long, but from what he’s learned about Taeyong so far, his God will be in for a massive shock when they finally escape this compound.

“That’s fine. Everything you need, I’ll give.”

“Mhm.” Taeyong is clearly drifting back into sleep, Johnny reaching to stroke his hair.

“Your Grace, before we attempt anything, I have to tell you something.”

“What is it?”

Johnny hesitates, but perseveres. “I might end up hurting someone in the attempt. Or killing, if it comes down to it.”

Taeyong’s now fully awake and unmoving. His head is turned so he’s looking up at Johnny. It’s an awkward position, one Taeyong gives up on and nestles back onto Johnny in a more comfortable way.

“I understand,” Taeyong says. “I won’t like it, but I trust you.”

“Thank you, Your Grace.”

There’s a pause, and Johnny can tell by the silence Taeyong is thinking. There’s a huff from him, one that empties Taeyong’s lungs and has the God melt further on Johnny.

“Once we get out, don’t call me that—don’t treat me as a god.”

“But…” Johnny bites his lip to prevent himself from arguing it any further. Taeyong tenses slightly, awaiting Johnny’s response; Johnny forcefully relaxes his facial muscles, forming a false sense of awe.

“I won’t, then,” Johnny lies.

* * *

At the first chance he gets, Johnny searches the kitchen for nonperishable food. He finds jars of pickled vegetables, sacks of rice, and salt-cured meat—all of which last for months. Nothing he comes across is labelled, he realises. It all appears to be either produced by the compound or brought in from outside where it is then removed out of the original packaging.

Will Johnny have to explain  _ branding _ to Taeyong? He hopes he’ll only ever need to teach Taeyong about the corporate idea of branding, and not the ugly scar on Johnny’s shoulder blade.

Johnny doesn’t find where the fresh goods are stored. Either there’s a storage room outside of the mansion, or Joohyun harvests them immediately before cooking.

“What are you doing?”

Johnny turns as calmly as he can, a cold indifference filtering into his expression. “Looking around,” he tells Joohyun.

The woman eyes Johnny suspiciously from where he’s half-squatting to look into a cupboard. She doesn’t say anything further, only moving past him to a different section of the house. Johnny waits until he can no longer hear her footsteps, then looks for a sack to keep food in. After locating one, he then walks away, hands empty.

It’s better to collect it all on the night they leave, Johnny thinks. Joohyun is watchful, and in daylight there’s too much activity from everyone else in the compound for him to hide away enough food to last the two of them weeks. Any hiding place is easily uncovered, especially with the frequent cleaning that goes on in the mansion.

Johnny also finds the closet of clothes, enough spares for both of them. They’re not going to blend in with the outside world, but Johnny figures he can steal some clothes along the way, as well as money.

The next thing Johnny does is plan the timing. The car isn’t in, being driven by someone Johnny has never met. When Johnny asks Taeyong who drives it, Taeyong only shrugs.

“Sometimes Yuta, sometimes people I don’t know. Truth be told, I haven’t met most of the close disciples inside my Church.”

Yuta, who brought Johnny into the compound in the first place, had only met Johnny in the final stage of the detox procedure. With his usual smile, Yuta had seated Johnny in the car and blindfolded him, telling him it’s time to join the compound.

Johnny thinks about how his priest had been shocked to see Yuta, saying  _ you don’t normally bother with the trash. _ Yuta had breezed over it with loud praise for the priest.

Taeyong wants to bring Yuta, Johnny reminds himself. He makes a mental note to bring enough supplies for him, and rope in case Yuta struggles.

When the car is in, Johnny slips away to find where the keys are kept. They’re in the car still. Johnny can see them dangling inside. He takes one last look at the car, recognising it as a Voltswagen Lavida, then heads back to Taeyong before Joohyun notices his absence.

* * *

They’re next to the fireplace. Taeyong sits in an armchair, a king lit up the glow of burning wood, allowing Johnny to stare in awe.

“Taeyong,” Johnny prays at his God’s feet. “We’re leaving tonight. Please summon Yuta.”

Taeyong stares down at Johnny, surprise evident in his expression. “Tonight? Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Johnny says. Taeyong studies Johnny some and finds no deception in the worship in his face. He gets up and heads out of the door. Johnny waits, sitting back on his legs. By the time the muscles begin to cramp and Johnny is considering moving from his position, Taeyong returns with a curious Yuta.

“Joohyun is seeing the zeroes,” Taeyong says. Johnny has no idea who the  _ zeroes _ are but doesn’t dare ask.

“Yuta,” Taeyong says as Yuta sits in the armchair opposite Taeyong. Johnny has shifted to a more comfortable position, resting his cheek against Taeyong’s knee to look his God’s face.

“We’re going to escape. I want you to come with us.” A silence follows. Taeyong cards a hand through Johnny’s hair, tangling his fingers in it and twisting. It’s painful, but Johnny doesn’t wince.

“You want to leave.” Yuta’s voice is flat.

“I do,” Taeyong confirms.

“Why tell me this? Did you forget I am the Bishop’s son? I have plenty of reason to try and keep you here,  _ Your Grace _ .” Yuta spits out the title like he has mud in his mouth. Johnny feels himself move to face Yuta, but Taeyong’s grip in his hair tightens more, forcing him back down.

“Because you’re the closest person I’ve come to think of as family.” Johnny hears emotion crack in every word Taeyong says. One day Johnny hopes to be the reason for Taeyong's voice breaking.

Yuta drums his fingers on the armrest, sucking in air. Taeyong’s hand releases Johnny’s hair and traces a line down Johnny’s cheek.

“All right,” Yuta says finally. “But under one condition.”

“What is it?”

Yuta then speaks in a foreign language. Johnny doesn’t know it; he thinks it’s Japanese, because he hears  _ inu. _

Johnny can hear a smile in Taeyong’s voice when he says, “I’m glad you’re coming with us.”

Johnny thinks about wrapping his hands around Yuta’s throat. He tells himself he’s preparing, in case Yuta betrays them.

* * *

Truth be told, Johnny doesn’t remember getting in the car nor driving away. Taeyong is in the backseat, Yuta sitting in the passenger. Johnny all but ordered Taeyong to lie down.

“You brought stuff with you, right?”

“Yes. In the boot,” he says. Johnny doesn’t tell either of them he’s also stolen a knife, and has it wrapped and tucked away in the elastic of his trousers, under his shirt.

They’re nearing the gate to the compound, Johnny realises with a jolt, feeling his hands tighten on the wheel. It’s a miracle no one stopped or even saw them.

“I’ll go open the gate,” Yuta murmurs, climbing out of the car. It’s a manual gate, so Yuta has to drag it open. Johnny drives through the gate, pausing to allow Yuta to get back in, then takes off as quickly as he dares.

When the compound grows small in the rearview mirror, Johnny hisses air out through his teeth.

“Your Grace, you can sit up now.”

Taeyong obeys, opting to sit in the middle. Yuta stares at Johnny’s profile for a moment. Johnny ignores Yuta, observing Taeyong slide from one end of the row to the other, pressing his face against the window to look outside, despite not being able to see anything in the night.

It’s all empty fields, Johnny notes as he dares to turn the headlights on. The compound seems to be the only large human structure in sight. Yuta is also peering out the window, clearly checking for any incoming people.

“If we get stopped, what do we say?” Yuta asks.

“We’re tourists,” Johnny says. “We’re friends from university. We just graduated and now we’re looking around.”

The other two are silent.

“What’s university?” Taeyong asks, wide-eyed. He manages to remove his gaze from the outside to look at Johnny’s eyes in the mirror. Yuta’s lips twist.

“A place to study at,” Johnny says vaguely, a flush on his neck when Taeyong bounces in his seat.

“Cars are weird,” Taeyong announces, sounding giddy. He peers over to where Johnny is driving, letting out a  _ wow _ when Johnny experimentally changes gears.

Johnny can’t join in Taeyong’s happiness. This sentiment is apparently shared by Yuta, whose shoulders are raised with tension. Taeyong doesn’t seem to pick up on it, euphoric over having left the compound for the first time in his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah yes. a good ol escape


	6. Chapter 6

Johnny and Yuta alternate driving. A few hours after they've made their escape, Johnny ordered Yuta to sleep; at dawn, Johnny and Yuta swapped.

Johnny knows he should sleep like how Yuta slept. Taeyong is peacefully dozing in the back, slumped against the door behind the driver's seat. Johnny checks him every quarter hour or so to make sure he's all right, acutely aware of the wounds that are still on Taeyong's back. He doubts if he brought any first aid kit despite the distinct memory of raiding the cabinet full of cleaning alcohol and clean bandages.

Johnny doesn't trust Yuta. His lack of sleep can be simplified down to this fact—Yuta is an unknown factor in this equation, and Johnny doesn't know what to do to find out the value of _y_. If Jaehyun were here, Johnny thinks, then Jaehyun would have a plan perfectly set out and they'd be following it perfectly.

"You should sleep," Yuta breaks the silence softly, staring at the horizon. "I'll just follow the road." Yuta guesses wrong about what worries Johnny.

"Do you know where we are?" Johnny asks. "What country?"

Yuta hesitates, a finger tapping on the wheel.

"China, or somewhere near," Yuta says finally. At least it's East Asia, Johnny thinks—they have a better chance at blending in.

"I found out because of the zeroes," Yuta continues. "Renjun knew where we were."

This makes no sense to Johnny, but he doesn't question it. The first sign of civilisation they pass, Johnny will be able to tell if Yuta is being truthful.

"But really. You should sleep," Yuta insists. 

"No," Johnny says curtly.

"Why not?"

"I don't trust you." Johnny is stating the obvious at this point. "My God may have his trust in you, but I won't. Not until I know for sure."

"Your God." Yuta speaks flatly, hands gripping the wheel tightly. He looks at Johnny, long enough that Johnny wonders if Yuta plans on crashing them.

"You actually believe Taeyong is a God," Yuta says, eyes back on the road. "He's just the son of someone pretty, is all."

Johnny smiles humourlessly. "Taeyong is _the_ God."

"He's not. He's _human._ "

"Neither of us can prove that," Johnny bites out, the volume of his voice rising sharply. "You can't prove God does or doesn't exist—and we can't prove if Taeyong is or isn't God."

There's a pause from Yuta, and then, "what lead you to be like this, Johnny?"

Yuta wants to know more about Johnny. The information Johnny had given up to the priest at his detoxification ceremony had been used against him—brutally, and for the priest's pleasure. There's also the implication that something made Johnny like this, like Johnny wasn't born in this state.

"You don't need to know anything about me."

"Johnny." Taeyong's voice is startling, and when Johnny twists to look at him, he meets Taeyong's eyes. Johnny looks away sheepishly, bowing his head in reverence.

"Won't you tell us anything about you?" Taeyong asks. "I want to know more."

"Like what?" Johnny asks, forgetting momentarily that Yuta is listening. Taeyong captures all of Johnny's soul and body.

"You said you had a friend. Jaehyun."

Johnny nods slowly.

"Do you have siblings?"

"I don't." He's glad he doesn't, although sometimes he likes to imagine Jaehyun as his brother. But ultimately, any sibling of his would have ended up at his uncle's mercy like Johnny had been; Johnny would do anything to stop that fate from befalling anyone.

"Any childhood memories? Happy ones?"

Johnny is now sitting properly in his seat again, studying the road. He flips through his memories, searching for one he deems inoffensive without giving too much away to Yuta. 

"My auntie," Johnny says finally. As soon as he says it, he regrets it. It's too much, too close to home, but there's an ache in his chest.

"She used to patch me up as a child. Made me a lot of nice meals." He shouldn't continue, but his pain wants to be seen. _He_ wants to be seen.

"Said sorry for my uncle a lot, too." He says it nonchalantly, a sliver of bait thrown out. Yuta shifts uneasily, eyes darting and hands in a death grip on the wheel. Johnny guesses he knows what Johnny means by that.

Taeyong, in his holy naivety, takes the bait. "What is she saying sorry for, exactly?"

"My uncle was a cruel man," Johnny says easily. The nightmares don't happen in the day, so the sunlight gives him a false sense of security. "He treated me like I was a slave."

Taeyong is silent. Johnny knows Taeyong is aware of what a slave is. He’s read about it in his history books, and asked Johnny if they were real.

Johnny also knows Taeyong understands that Johnny is not one to use that term lightly. Taeyong has seen Johnny wake from the depths of a nightmare, and he wonders how much his God is putting together.

"What happened to your uncle?" There's a fear in Taeyong's voice that breaks Johnny's heart and awakens a monster inside him. With a careful coldness about him, Johnny swallows that down.

"My uncle was the first person I killed." Johnny feels a smile on his lips, a grimace painted on his face. Then his smile takes on a nasty edge. "I've killed many people. I'm not afraid to do it again."

Taeyong nods. Johnny killed the Bishop for him, and Taeyong has full control over Johnny's life. Yuta pales, his eyes moving slowly from Johnny to Taeyong. Johnny reads the gleam in Yuta’s eyes clearly; Taeyong may be a human, but he has all the power of God over Johnny.

* * *

They end up in a small town. It's more like a village, in Johnny's humble opinion. It’s likely the smallest settlement Johnny has ever been in, and he’s found himself in some unusual corners of different countries.

There are people who stare at them suspiciously. Johnny doesn't blame them, especially if they have any inkling on what lurks out in the countryside.

"Do any of you know Chinese?" Johnny asks. "I know some Mandarin, but not enough to pass as native. I can't read any."

"No," Yuta says. "I can only guess what characters mean. Some of them are kind of similar to Japanese," he refers to the shared Chinese characters of the languages.

"I don't know any," Taeyong says. Johnny supposes the Bishop wanted to keep Taeyong as isolated as possible.

"All right," Johnny says, "I'll ask for directions then."

He gets out of the car once Yuta slows, finding a small corner store where Johnny enters. He is acutely aware of his lack of currency, wondering if haggling is a common practice for them. He keeps his head down, hunching his shoulders and walking with a distinctive, unusual gait in an attempt to hide who he is.

 _"Hello?"_ Johnny greets, finding a young cashier at the counter. The young cashier looks at him with great interest, becoming alert when he realises Johnny is not from the local area.

 _"Hello,"_ the cashier replies, studying him with great curiosity. _"Are you lost?"_

Johnny is grateful for the assumption—which is, in its own way, correct. _"I am,"_ he says eagerly, _"Me and my friends were in the area, driving—now we lost."_ He winces at his own wording, but the message is still delivered.

The cashier nods thoughtfully. _"We have a phone you can use."_

_"A...money phone?"_

_"Yes, you need money. Do you not have any?"_ The cashier speaks as clearly as possible.

 _"We don't. Ran out."_ The cashier looks sympathetic when Johnny visibly slumps, wondering if he can ask to borrow a phone.

"Fuck," Johnny says in English without any real heat, not wanting to seem overly panicked. "Guess we should keep on driving."

"You speak English?" The cashier says, replying in the same language. "I know some, if that's any easier for you. Where are you headed?"

Johnny brightens when the cashier replies, feeling relieved to be talking to someone in his native tongue after months of speaking Korean. "I'm heading east," he explains, "we didn't have any proper plan, which we now realise is a massive mistake." Johnny laughs like he's not at all stressed.

"I see," the cashier nods thoughtfully. "That is a problem. I think you could probably make it to Chengde, and from there Beijing."

Sadly, Johnny's knowledge of where they are is being pushed to the limits. At least he kind of knows where Beijing is. The cashier pulls out his phone and types into, showing a map of where they are in relation to Chengde. Johnny nods like he's not plotting on how to smuggle the three of them out of China and into South Korea.

"All right, thanks so much," Johnny says cheerfully. The cashier holds up a finger, disappearing under the counter and resurfacing with a handful of maps.

"Here's a general overview of where we are," the cashier says, "and this is Chengde, and this is Beijing." He places each one out, then pauses. "They're all in Chinese, sorry—do you want me to write the Pinyin?"

"Please," Johnny all but begs, "that'd be so helpful."

The cashier grabs a pencil and writes on the maps, meticulously labelling each character that they'll need. When the cashier looks up again, he smiles.

"Do you have any kind of money?" He asks. Johnny shakes his head mutely.

"All right," the cashier says slowly, looking sympathetic again. "You look tired, so how about this: you work for a little while around the area, and we'll pay you for your time, and give you a place to stay."

"You can do that?" Johnny asks. "What about the owner?"

"I'm his son," the cashier laughs it off. "And he's out of town anyway. I'm sure dad won't mind since you also seem like you need it."

"I'll have to talk to my friends," Johnny says easily. The cashier nods and hums an agreement. "Can I get your name...?"

"Dejun," he says. Johnny nods and flashes a thumbs up, taking the maps to the car and sliding into the passenger seat. Yuta and Taeyong greet him with curious eyes.

"Got some maps," Johnny says. "The cashier, his name's Dejun, also offered to let us stay the night and give us money if we work for a bit."

Yuta and Taeyong exchange a look. "You should decide," Taeyong says finally. "Neither of us know anything about the outside world to be able to say if it's a good idea."

"Our supplies don't come from this area. At least, I've never been here, so they won't recognise me," Yuta adds on helpfully. Johnny bites his lip as he thinks it over.

How quickly will the compound come after them? By now they've almost certainly noticed. They've taken their only car, but Johnny has no idea how much networking the Church have. Johnny assumes it's extensive—enough to indoctrinate Johnny in the United States and bring him to South Korea, and enough that Johnny was able to be _disappeared._ Maybe there are missing posters out for Johnny, or maybe he's been hidden away.

But Johnny looks at how tired Taeyong looks, and decides they can risk it. They need the money, and Johnny also needs to recover his wits about him again. With a sigh, he says, "we'll accept, then. Come on." He clambers out of the car, heading back into the store with Taeyong and Yuta in tow.

When he reenters, Dejun is sucking on a lollipop. He takes it out when he sees the three of them enter, waving at them.

"Hi," Johnny says in English, "hope you didn't change your mind? Because we'd like to accept your kind offer." He puts on his most charming smile.

"Cool," Dejun says, also in English, "Do the other two speak English?"

Dejun is a little too insightful for Johnny's taste.

"They don't," Johnny says. "They both speak Korean." Johnny claps a hand on Yuta's shoulder, bringing him closer. "He also speaks Japanese, if that's any help."

"I know a little Korean, but not much," Dejun says sheepishly, bowing slightly at each of them before focusing on Johnny again. "I have something the three of you can do out back."

Taeyong is glancing around the store with a look of fascination that his God is doing his best to hide. Johnny feels a rush of fondness towards Taeyong as the three of them follow Dejun to a yard out the back of the store. It's what Johnny would describe as an empty courtyard with a strip of grass on the far end.

"Please build a chicken coop," Dejun says, pointing to the pile of materials in the corner. It's covered by a tarpaulin. "Do you know how to?"

"I do," Johnny confirms, "I can show the other three how to do it as well."

"All right then, I'll leave you to it. The tools should be with the materials." Just like that, Dejun heads back into the store, and Johnny heads to the corner, pulling off the tarpaulin. Yuta and Taeyong follow uneasily, not understanding the conversation.

Johnny quickly translates, and Yuta's eyes light up in understanding. Taeyong on the other hands asks what a chicken coop is in a hushed voice.

"A place for chickens to stay," Yuta explains as they begin to build under Johnny's guidance.

It takes them half a day to set it up. Johnny quickly establishes Taeyong has almost no strength in his body—Johnny feels another flash of hatred towards the Bishop for keeping Taeyong so weak, to control his God. Yuta seems to understand the basics of using tools, and shows Taeyong how to do it as well. They're interrupted a couple of times as Dejun brings them refreshments and observes their work.

By evening they're done. Johnny looks at their work proudly, Yuta similarly mirroring the emotion. Taeyong just seems confused, but still pleased that the other two are pleased. Dejun brings them inside for their evening meal, serving them hot pot.

"I always think hot pot is best after a long day," Dejun says as he serves them. He then says timidly in Korean, "please enjoy."

"Thank you for the meal," Taeyong says, picking up his chopsticks. Johnny eyes the food, wondering if it's been poisoned, but knows he can't taste-test everything without raising suspicion. He settles on silently promising himself to kill Dejun if he has to.

"How did you learn English?" Yuta asks Dejun in fairly slow Korean. Dejun frowns for a bit, clearly translating in his head, before his expression clears.

"School," he says cheerfully. "I also go on the internet from time to time. I like keeping up to date."

Johnny nods at this, wondering how many pop culture moments he's now missed out on. Taeyong is staring around the room with a poorly concealed awe, mouth full. His God has the good sense to not say anything, Taeyong choosing instead to pretend to be introverted.

Dejun shows them to their room, having laid out a mattress for the three of them. Johnny opts to take the one closest to the door, insisting Taeyong should sleep in the middle of them. Dejun gives them spare clothing to sleep in, bidding them goodnight with a smile.

Despite thinking Johnny should stay awake, he all but blacks out as soon as he hits the mattress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i didn't proofread this so sorry for the mess lol
> 
> i did my best to look at where they could be in china, but since i've never been to china nor am i chinese, my knowledge is limited to the internet. also i'm chronically lazy so like....did i really do my best? who knows!  
> any mistakes or inconsistencies that pop up...i plead the defense of anime logic. just ignore it thank u <3


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for johnny thinking about murder (again)

When Johnny wakes, Taeyong is lying on top of him, and Johnny has his arms around his waist to secure him. It’s dawn, the red sunlight peeking through a crack in the curtains, and the house is quiet. Johnny listens for a moment, ears straining to check if there's intruders, then decides it’s better to leave early.

He normally savours the warmth and intimacy that comes with sharing a bed with Taeyong. Back in the compound, the solitude away from Joohyun's prying eyes or the heavy expectations placed on Taeyong gave them a moment of reprieve. It’s probably the only time he allows sin to enter his mind and soul, but now it’s a matter of life and death. Johnny rouses himself, placing Taeyong carefully on the mattress next to him, and slaps himself awake, reddening his cheeks.

“Urgh,” it’s Yuta who stirs, a gargled sound emerging from his throat. Johnny sits up, watching Yuta stretch out in a weirdly cat-like manner. He rubs an eye, meeting Johnny’s gaze with no surprise at being watched.

“I’ll stay here until Taeyong wakes,” Johnny tells Yuta, who nods and all but rolls out of bed, then clambers to his feet. Presumably, Yuta is going to either make breakfast or wake Dejun. He hears the sound of a yawn and stomping of two pairs of feet, and Johnny assumes it’s the two of them.

“G’morning,” Johnny hears from next to him. He feels himself soften as his God looks at him in the morning light. Then Taeyong decides to get out of bed, and Johnny follows him.

Breakfast is prepared by both Yuta and Dejun. Johnny wants to make sure it's not poisoned, watching anxiously as Taeyong happily enjoys his meal. Yuta seems disgruntled by this, if the venomous looks he sends Johnny's way is any indicator. Dejun seems blissfully unaware or assumes it's simply a part of morning grumpiness. Dejun cleans up the dishes and then disappears momentarily, only to return quickly with a wad of money.

"For the work you did yesterday," Dejun says brightly. Johnny counts it up, then stares at Dejun when he's done.

"There's too much here," Johnny says.

"You'll need it," Dejun replies. Taeyong and Yuta watch the exchange nervously.

Johnny struggles internally—Dejun is right. They _do_ need it, but there's an awfully large part of him that wants to scorn the gesture. They're not charity cases, they don't need to be looked after like they're _children_.

Taeyong pops into Johnny's mind as he thinks about this, and he swallows his pride. He thanks Dejun as sincerely as he can make it, Dejun smiling in response to that. The three of them gather their things and begin to head out.

"Stay safe," Dejun tells the three of them through the driver's window. Yuta leans over Johnny from the passneger's side with a wide grin, waving.

"We will," Yuta says cheerfully.

"You stay safe too," Johnny says with more meaning than Dejun can pick up on. After all, Dejun doesn't know they're in the midst of escaping. With Taeyong waving out of the passenger window, Johnny begins to drive away, Dejun watching them go.

Yuta and Taeyong settle in for the ride, too calm for their current situation. Johnny chances a look through the rearview mirror, seeing faint dust rise up on the other side of the small town. It makes him feel uneasy, but Johnny pushes that aside. He presses down harder on the gas pedal as soon as they're on the open road again.

* * *

The city is loud. It's been so long since Johnny has been in any city that it's near overwhelming; he's sharply aware of why he dislikes it so much in the first place. He hates the eyes of others who search him for signs that he's _lesser_ , he hates how he's cornered and forced to kill others just to survive.

Taeyong is slouched in his seat, staring out of the window, strangely subdued. He looks notably more pale than normal, eyes wide and constantly darting from one side to another. Yuta is no different, although he keeps his eyes on his lap instead of looking around.

"I'll deal with it all," Johnny says, hoping he sounds reassuring. "I have no issue with that."

He's met with no answer. Johnny wonders if the fact they've been travelling for a few days has anything to do with their response.

"I didn't think it would be so big." Taeyong's eyes are wide. Johnny can hear his breath rattling in his chest. "There's so many people and so many sounds. Is this kind of thing everywhere?"

"Some," Johnny says vaguely. "This city is tightly packed, though. Some places are more spread out, and some countries don't have cities on this scale at all."

"I don't think I can live in a city," Taeyong whispers. "I look outside for five seconds and see more people than I've ever known."

Johnny calms himself by remembering how he killed the Bishop. One particularly solid kick had made a _crunching_ noise of his ribs. The sound was vaguely reminiscent of how a chicken leg sounded when Johnny bit down hard enough on the gristle around the joint.

"Then you don't have to," Johnny says evenly. "There are smaller places than even where Dejun was staying."

"That sounds nice," Taeyong murmurs. "Yuta, did you see this kind of thing on your trips outside the compound?"

Johnny resents Yuta being dragged into the conversation. He does his best to hide it, not wanting to upset Taeyong. Johnny stares at the number plate in front of him, thinking he recognises it and the model of car.

"No," Yuta admits. "I've been in towns and things, but this kind of thing...actually, the last time was in Osaka."

Johnny drums his fingers on the steering wheel as he carefully mimics what the driver ahead of him is doing. He should've asked Dejun for the road rules in China. He wishes he had a better memory too, or for the driver to at least show Johnny the silhouette of his profile. The car is so achingly familiar and yet so out of reach; Johnny has to consciously relax his jaw.

"Osaka was bigger," Yuta says. "But at least I know the language over there, so I like to think I'm more prepared. But this." Yuta flaps a hand with a small laugh, "is way too much. I can't wait to get out of here."

Johnny has no idea how to get them all out. If he has to, he'll just leave Yuta behind to save on the costs. To cover up his plotting, Johnny lets out a noncommittal hum, making the same turn as the driver ahead of him.

How is he going to earn money? He could rob some people, he muses as he makes yet another turn. He's done it before, back when he was on the verge of homelessness, but that was back in the states. He's not sure he can pull off something similar in China.

He parks a few spaces away from the driver ahead of him. He watches the driver get out, ignoring the questioning looks of the other passengers in the car. Johnny expects the driver to walk away, but instead the driver, a man who looks around the same age as Johnny, heads directly towards them. Johnny watches stonily as the man knocks on the driver's window. The man does look kind of familiar, but in the way one might vaguely recognise an old high school acquaintance from many years back.

Johnny lowers the window, bracing himself for a fist to come flying through the open space. It doesn't happen. Instead, the man studies Johnny, and then Yuta, and glances at the tinted glass of the backseat.

"Are you from the cult?" The man asks in Korean. Johnny considers the question for a moment. Slowly, still expecting an attack, he gets out of the car. He can feel the monster under his skin begging for blood.

"Maybe," Johnny says.

"You look like Youngho," the man answers. Johnny narrows his eyes, scanning the man. He has no idea who he is, and his expression shows it. He thinks maybe the man knows through some kind of wanted system, maybe even a bounty—Johnny's palms start itching to wrap themselves around this man's neck and to squeeze and squeeze until his face is a lovely shade of blue and purple.

"I treated you back in the detox," the man says casually. "I'm Kun."

Johnny folds his arms. It's more of an action to cage himself rather than a defensive action, but Kun doesn't know what kind of monster he's dealing with.

"I'm serious," Kun insists. "I can help you, if you want. Get you out of the country."

"I don't believe you," Johnny says flatly. No one looked after him in the detox during the time Johnny was conscious—and even if this _Kun_ did, he'll probably drag the three of them to the compound again. The image of Taeyong's wounds flash across his mind.

If only Johnny had a gun. Instead, Johnny grabs Kun's arm and squeezes until it's painfully restrictive, watching Kun flinch and instinctively try to pull his arm away from Johnny.

How did Johnny have luck this disastrous? Coming across this fucker, having to kill him in broad daylight, in front of his God. Johnny drags Kun to Kun's car, shoving him in the driver's seat unceremoniously. Johnny then sits in the seat behind Kun.

Kun doesn't resist and he doesn't blink when Johnny orders him to wait for a moment, watching Yuta scramble out of the passenger seat and into the driver's seat. When Johnny is satisfied, Johnny orders Kun to drive to where he's staying.

Johnny has no idea what he's doing. As Kun drives, a little slower than normal and tooted on several occasions, Johnny thinks about how easy it would be to kill Kun. It's convenient for the Church to have Kun stumble across them, and it'd be just as convenient for Johnny to kill Kun. He thinks of Taeyong and his God's possible disappointment at Johnny's murderous tendencies, so for now Johnny refrains from wrapping his hands around Kun's neck and twisting.

"I know you're thinking of killing me," Kun says evenly as they wait for the traffic lights to change over. "I've read your file."

This surprises a laugh out of Johnny. The sound is short.

"People think you're a monster," Kun continues like Johnny isn't glaring daggers at the back of his neck. "I just think you're misunderstood, Youngho."

That fucking name again—the monster under Johnny's skin itches to be freed. Johnny becomes sharply aware of the knife he has tucked into the trousers he was given from Dejun.

Like Johnny conjured Dejun into Kun's mind, Kun says, "Dejun told me you saw him at his store."

Johnny hisses out air.

"He doesn't know about the Church." Kun waits for a car to turn ahead of him. "So he didn't knowingly betray you or anything. But _we_ have connections, you know." Johnny took note on how Kun doesn't specify who _we_ are. "I think you owe me."

"I don't owe you anything," Johnny says flatly. Kun meets his eyes briefly in the rearview mirror.

"You know full well the Church can find you and everyone you met," Kun says just as flatly back. Johnny cocks his head at Kun with an amused look.

"And _you_ know full well then, if you read my file." Johnny leans back in his seat, crossing his legs and tensing his arms to stop his hands from trembling. "I don't give a shit. I'm doing this for God."

Kun doesn't reply to this, but Johnny spies a vein pulsing in his neck. Kun abruptly parks, Yuta hastily mimicking in a nearby parking space. As Yuta and Taeyong clambers out, both profusely bowing to someone they cut off as they hurry over, Johnny gets out and pulls open the driver's door. Kun stares up at Johnny in the driver's seat.

This isn't the first time someone has looked at Johnny with fear. Kun is trying to hide it, a little better than most. But knowledge is the ultimate killer, and Kun knows of the bloody path Johnny took just to survive.

(if he has read Johnny's file, he also knows Johnny's Achilles' heel. Kun knows why Johnny's purification procedure took longer and why it was more intensive. One simple sentence, and Johnny is condemned by his God.)

"Where are we?" Johnny asks.

"My apartment. I live alone."

Johnny smiles at Kun, by all appearances friendly to the outside world. By now Yuta and Taeyong can see and hear them both clearly. Johnny claps Kun on the shoulder, gesturing for Kun to climb out. Kun does so, almost as easily pretending to be at ease. His shaking knees gives away Kun's fear.

"You trust Kun?" Yuta asks, Taeyong looking between the three of them with confusion.

Johnny is still smiling pleasantly. "No."

Yuta squints at Johnny, and it's obvious he's jumping to the worst conclusions. Yuta glances at Taeyong, who seems unaware of the darker undercurrent of the conversation.

"Let's go in," Kun says after a moment. "Get you off the streets."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> been a while lol. like i said last chapter, i genuinely have no clue if this kind of thing works irl, but! that won't stop me because i can't read


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tw for internalised homophobia (from Johnny)
> 
> also i don't know how to cook.....

"Kun," Johnny says in the middle of Kun's cramped kitchen, shutting the door between them and the other two. The apartment feels too small for Johnny's over-sized body; when he looks at Taeyong, it feels strangely perfect for him. Taeyong had immediately taken to poking around the apartment, occasionally tossing questions at them. The domestic life must be a novelty to Taeyong, but all Johnny can think of is how it cages him.

"Youngho," Kun replies with a sigh.

"Johnny," Johnny corrects. Kun frowns at Johnny, more confusion than frustration.

"Call me Johnny," Johnny insists in case Kun hasn't received the message. "If you don't, I really will kill you, consequences be damned." The threat is an idle one, but both men know Kun doesn't need to _fully_ healthy in order to give the trio aid.

Kun's jaw twitches, but his self-preservation instincts seem to kick in when he nods.

"I can't believe we actually came into this place," Johnny tells Kun seriously, almost as if they're friends. "I only let this happen because we're desperate, and if worst comes to worst, I'll take all the blame." When Kun opens his mouth to speak, Johnny shoots him a warning look. Kun thinks better of whatever he was going to say and closes his mouth.

"But if you hurt Taeyong in any way, what the Church does will have nothing compared to me."

Kun waits until Johnny is silent for a long pause, then exhales loudly through his nose. "Are you done?"

"Yes."

"Okay." Kun turns away and opens a cupboard, withdrawing plates. "I have leftovers if you're hungry. Yes, you can watch me heat them up, and yes you can eat them before they're served to Taeyong." Kun looks at Johnny drily. "You really are a fool."

Johnny ignores this comment, not wanting to explore what it means—but he can't stop a corner of his mind turning this over and trying to decipher what this means. Does he mean a fool for Taeyong? A fool for trusting Kun? A fool for joining the cult? All three of which are true.

Johnny is struck with a bitter jealousy of Jaehyun; he can't use logic like Jaehyun, nor can he remove himself from the clutches of religion as cleanly. There are chains around Johnny's soul, holding him in spiritual slavery.

Johnny looks over Kun's shoulder as he begins cutting vegetables and meat, cooks the slices of bacon, then places rice and the prepared ingredients into a pan. Fried rice, he tells Johnny, although Johnny can already tell what it is. Kun grabs a spoon and gets some of the rice, holding it up for Johnny to eat.

It's at this point Taeyong and Yuta choose to enter like a scene from a hated rom-com; Johnny leaning in to eat from the proffered spoon, Kun almost uncomfortably close to Johnny, and both Taeyong and Yuta baulk at the sight.

"Uh," Yuta says eloquently, "didn't know you swung that way, Kun."

Johnny, drawing on the experience of his drama classes back in school, plays it cool and leans away from Kun. Kun, who notably doesn't deny being _that way_ as Johnny hoped, just shrugs and shoves the spoon closer to Johnny. Johnny reluctantly eats it.

When he does, Taeyong quietly leaves the room. Johnny hears him leave but doesn't see it. He turns in time to see the worried expression Yuta gives Johnny, following Taeyong out. Kun shrugs again when Johnny looks at him.

"Follow him, if you want. I can finish here."

"And give you time to call the Church?" Johnny says scornfully. "I know how this may look to my God, but I won't let you put him in danger."

Kun is silent for a moment, eyes drifting around as he gathers his thoughts. "How do you think this looks? In the hour we've known each other, you've repeatedly threatened to kill me. Before that, all I did was patch you up while you were unconscious."

"I'm not like you," Johnny tells Kun. He's drawing a line in the sand, full of defensiveness and denial.

Kun looks at Johnny expressionlessly. It unnerves Johnny, who takes a step back as if distance will lessen the weight of judgement. Kun's expression shifts from a blank canvas to something Johnny doesn't understand; pity, maybe, or a sad knowledge of whatever Johnny is feeling.

Johnny hates feeling so exposed. He swallows down his hatred so the monster in him doesn't launch itself at Kun.

* * *

Dinner is a quiet affair. Johnny forces Kun to sit away from Taeyong, about a metre away from the three of them. Yuta and Taeyong sit by each other, Johnny opposite Taeyong. Taeyong refuses to look at Johnny, which Johnny puts down to some kind of culture shock.

The calm is broken by his God, who says, "what do we do now?"

Taeyong leans forward to look around Yuta to Kun. Surprised at being addressed, Kun looks at Taeyong with mild surprise.

"I can arrange for safe passage to South Korea," Kun says. Johnny attempts to fire bullets from his eyes to kill Kun. If he could choose, he'd use a shotgun to execute Kun—a distant yet bloody style of murder, lacking in the intimacy Johnny's rage and lust provides.

"I've never been to Korea," Taeyong says, "but my parents are Korean. I want to see their home." His voice cracks at the end of his sentence under the weight of his emotion. Johnny's surprised Taeyong knows who his parents are—another glaring omission in how much Johnny _actually_ knows his God.

"How are you planning on getting us there?" Johnny asks.

"I have fake passports," Kun says. "I just need a photo and I can get them done in the next few weeks. Then I can put them in the system, get a flight booked, and you should be fine. I have someone on the other side who can meet you there."

Sounds almost too good to be true. The longer this goes on, the more Johnny's suspicions rise. All of this is far too convenient. The zealot Johnny was when he first entered the compound would believe this is divine intervention; but now Johnny, who is forced to consider the possibility of his God not being truly divine, must wonder at the odds of this fortunate meeting.

One can say everyone Johnny has met is also unlikely to happen. It was unlikely for Jaehyun to be his friend, it was unlikely for his first love to break his heart, it was unlikely for Taeyong to be God.

Johnny is not a fool. He knows Kun has every reason to turn them in, especially with a potential reward for returning _God._

Even so, he stays silent when Taeyong's eyes light up at what must sound like a reasonable plan to him. Johnny and Yuta exchange glances, and a silent pact between the two of them is formed.

* * *

After dinner, Kun takes their photos. Taeyong flinches at the sound of the shutter, eyes wide. It takes him a while to adjust to the idea of his picture being taken. Johnny's old passion for photography comes to life, and he wants to look at Taeyong through the lens of a camera. His God is the type who would be a model, with every brand vying for the chance to splatter his image across magazine covers and billboards.

Yuta seems to know about cameras, and he doesn't react at all. Right before his image is taken, he locks eyes with Johnny with an unreadable expression.

Once Johnny is done with his, Kun nods to himself as he flicks through the photos on the camera, looking at the preview.

"That'll do," he informs them. "If there's any issue, one of my men will let me know."

" _Your_ men?" Johnny challenges. "What does that mean?"

Kun rolls his eyes. "You don't really think all of my connections are through the Church, do you?"

Yes, actually. Johnny does think that. He's been led to believe it, and he has no reason to think otherwise. Kun sighs at the look of disbelief on Johnny's face.

"Anyway," Kun says to move past the issue, "you guys can settle in for the night. I laid out some pajamas, I'll buy new clothes for you tomorrow."

"Okay," Taeyong says. His voice comes out small, and he's holding onto Yuta's arm. Johnny doesn't know what he did for Taeyong to refuse to look at him, but it's enough for Yuta to level Johnny with a judging look.

"I'm going with Kun," Johnny tells Yuta, following after Kun, who is shuffling into another part of the house. Yuta sighs loudly behind Johnny, and Johnny has no idea why.

* * *

The weeks pass both achingly slow and impossibly fast.

Taeyong is glued to the television set. He doesn't understand Chinese, and Kun tells them government restrictions mean they can't watch international channels without possible legal ramifications. Johnny understands why, and his broken Mandarin is used to translate the occasional item Taeyong is interested in. Sometimes Yuta chimes in with a character that is similar to one in Japanese, although when they ask Kun, it can be laughably different or surprisingly similar.

Taeyong retreats into his shell more as well. As the days drag on, Taeyong is huddled in a corner of the small couch, wrapped in blankets even on hot days. He starts to pale considerably, although he retains his appetite. Yuta tells Johnny it's the culture shock—after all, how would _he_ feel if he suddenly was exposed to a completely lifestyle after being protected in a compound all these years?

This culture shock doesn't explain why Taeyong rejects Johnny's interactions. Johnny misses Taeyong. Taeyong no longer wants to sleep near him, and he doesn't give any more than one word answers to anything Johnny says. Most cruelly, Taeyong won't even look at Johnny.

Johnny wants to tell Taeyong that he's not gay. He _knows_ this is the problem. It has to be—it all started when Taeyong walked in on him and Kun in a quasi-domestic setting, and now he's jumped to a conclusion. This is coupled with Yuta's passing comment of Kun _swinging that way_ and Kun not even denying it.

This is how people think of Johnny. All this praying and all this repentance, just to be rejected by God. A nightmare come to life.

Taeyong whispers to Yuta sometimes. Surprisingly, Taeyong does so in Japanese. Johnny wishes he'd studied Japanese instead of Chinese, because maybe then he can eavesdrop instead of flounder in dread.

Johnny's Mandarin has markedly improved over the few weeks as he's immersed himself in an endless stream of television and textbooks. A desperate act to pretend he's not losing favour with God—Jaehyun would be proud of him for sharpening his mind.

(Jaehyun would be ashamed that Johnny is spiraling into hopelessness, not even trying to win back God's love.)

"You seem uptight." Kun is making lunch, and Johnny is making sure he's not poisoning them. It's been weeks since they've invaded Kun's apartment with no suspicious activity; at this stage, Johnny is just using Kun as an excuse to avoid his God and Yuta.

"I'm not." Johnny attempts to shut down the conversation immediately.

"You are." Kun studies Johnny's face for a second, switching to Chinese. " _Is it because of your God?_ "

Of course Kun has picked up on Johnny's fanatical belief in Taeyong. At least it's not being used as a tool to bludgeon Johnny to death with. He hesitates to tell Kun the issue, but he's at his wit's end.

"it is," Johnny says carefully. " _He doesn't like me any more._ "

Kun weighs this up, eyes to the ceiling. " _I think you're wrong. You don't understand something."_

"What?" Johnny stares into space, confused. "The hell do you mean? Do you know what happened?"

Kun looks uncomfortable at this line of questioning. " _It's not my secret."_

A secret. Johnny's blood runs cold—the first thing to pop into his mind is he's going to be abandoned as soon as they land in South Korea. Who can blame them? Johnny is a murderer, and his very nature breaks the natural order. If that's what his God decides, then Johnny will let it happen.

If Kun sees this inner turmoil, he says nothing.

* * *

Kun has bought them suitcases and everything they'll need for the first few months in Korea. The three suitcases are lined up by the door like soldiers, Taeyong and Yuta giving their goodbyes to Kun. Taeyong's eyes are glazed over with tears, and he hugs Kun tightly.

"Johnny," Kun calls out. Johnny hesitates, glancing at Taeyong, who is resolutely _still_ not looking at Johnny. Yuta looks sympathetically at Johnny.

"What is it?" As Johnny approaches, he notices Kun's smile. This sets off an alarm bell in his head, and Johnny has to consciously work to unclench his fists.

"Thank you." The sincerity in Kun's voice takes him off-guard. Johnny blinks.

"For what?"

"For freeing Taeyong." With that, they're herded outside, dragging down their suitcases and shoved into a taxi. Kun watches them leave from the footpath, his God watching Kun's figure slip away into the distance. Johnny doesn't dare look.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i once again cite anime logic if this doesn't actually work irl! thanks


End file.
